[spins around in chair ominously] i’ve been expecting y- [chair continues to spin] shit [tries to stop spinning] shit [tries to grab at a lamp or table to stop spinning] sHIT [falls out of chair]
I’m sorry, you must be at least a level 4 friend to unlock my tragic backstory
for chinese new year they get all these famous actors and comedians together and they do a lil show and one of the comedians was like “i was in a hotel in america once and there was a mouse in my room so i called reception except i forgot the english word for mouse so instead i said ‘you know tom and jerry? jerry is here’
jerry is here
My mom is so mean to me
calling people on the phone is more stressful than open heart surgery
I am excited to see a generation of women who will raise their boys to be good rather than their girls to be scared.
I. AM. FUCKING. DEAD.
dental hygiene tip: brush your teeth like you’re about to go and make out with natalie dormer
fun fact: i got the idea to make this post while i was at work. i then thought about kissing natalie dormer, got distracted, and walked into a shelf in front of like three people
Why would you intentionally eat olives like what in the fuck? are you okay? is someone forcing you to do this? You need me to call the police let me know so we can help you
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